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2 years later, I’m still here.

It’s been two years since my last entry and a lot has happened/changed in my life since then. Honestly, I’ve typed and re-typed paragraphs, deleting them and then rewriting them for the past 30 minutes and yet I still have no clue what to write. It feels as though I’ve lost the knack to write yet it’s still a channel I wish I could utilise frequently — not as a “creative” outlet (I think my copywriting days are long gone) but, kinda like a journal? Idk.

So, what’s new?

Well, I just started a new job. I’m still trying to adjust and find my rhythm but I fear I’m just not as fast as they expect me to be. I’m also getting bouts of Impostor Syndrome but I’m trying to not let it affect me that much. It’s like… I really wanna prove my worth, and how I could add value to the team but I’m pressuring myself to do it ASAP and that’s when I get panicky and anxious about doing shit right. Yeah.

I injured my lower back. I got two slightly bulging discs and I feel hella miserable because of it. You see, I’ve always been exercising one way or another. I went for TRX classes for about 2 years, did a lot of circuit/HIIT training, boxing and recently, CrossFit. I was in Singapore when I injured my back (or when my back decided to be done with life) and the pain was INTENSE. I’ve never felt that kind of pain where it hurts to sit, walk or even lie down. Thing is, a back injury isn’t like getting the flu where you can pop a few Panadols and sleep it off. It’s been 4 weeks since my injury and I still feel a very dull ache when I do certain movements.

And honestly, it’s depressing. I can’t do CrossFit. I mean, I can la… but I have to scale workouts down and it’s boring. Hella boring. I can’t believe I’d say this but I actually miss feeling winded as fuck doing 30+ burpees in a workout. Or feeling like my legs and thighs are gonna fall off doing thrusters and wall balls. Or being forced to do a 1.5km run (cumulatively) in a workout as someone who hates running. These are things I’d dread doing in a WOD but now… I miss it. The most depressing part is that, I have no idea when I’ll be able to do all of this again. I know I’ll get there. But the recovery process is gonna is gonna be long and…. boring.

On a brighter note, I booked my first solo trip to Seoul this November which I’m super excited about. I’ve always wanted to travel alone and I’ve done SOME bits of exploring on my own in my previous trips. I’ve walked around Sydney and Tokyo alone, but it was always like a few alone days out of a trip with a friend. And I’ve always wanted to visit Korea — I love K-Beauty and some K-Drama. I’m very indifferent about K-Pop, though I like Black Pink. But the culture, style, and cuisine intrigues me. I plan to also squeeze in a DMZ and Joint Security Area tour while I’m there so I can get a glimpse of North Korea too. I think forking out a shit ton of money for that tour will be hella worth it. Oh and the truckload of K-Beauty products I’m gonna bring back, omg this trip is going to drain my bank account.

So that’s that. Let’s just hope it won’t take me another 2 years to come up with another entry.

I fell for him and he gave me a reason to walk away

Some people say that feelings can’t disappear in a blink of an eye. I used to think that was true, up until a month ago.

You see, in late 2015, I met a guy. He was, cute, friendly, attentive, understanding, well-mannered, everything I could’ve hoped for in a guy, he was that. I knew I was developing feelings for him after a few meetings, and around January, I knew I’d fallen for him. Despite that, I didn’t confess my feelings because I thought it was too soon and it would somehow jeopardise what we had, although I knew he knew.

Every time we’d meet up, I’d feel so happy, so giddy with excitement at being with him. I wanted to know everything about him, just like how he’d wanted to know about me. It felt like my feelings towards him were mutual, and it felt great. The only thing I didn’t like about him was his texting habit, which should’ve rang the warning bells.

Because we don’t live near each other, we’d only get to see each other about twice a month? Maybe less? I guess I wanted to talk to him, text him in between meetups since, y’know, we don’t get to see each other much but he’d disappear for a day or two. Which annoys me to no end. I’d bring this issue up and he’d apologise and then I’d feel fine, making up reasons in my head to justify this for him. It’s ridiculous, looking back, how emotionally invested I was in this guy when all he had was a blatant disregard of my feelings.

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