Some people say that feelings can’t disappear in a blink of an eye. I used to think that was true, up until a month ago.
You see, in late 2015, I met a guy. He was, cute, friendly, attentive, understanding, well-mannered, everything I could’ve hoped for in a guy, he was that. I knew I was developing feelings for him after a few meetings, and around January, I knew I’d fallen for him. Despite that, I didn’t confess my feelings because I thought it was too soon and it would somehow jeopardise what we had, although I knew he knew.
Every time we’d meet up, I’d feel so happy, so giddy with excitement at being with him. I wanted to know everything about him, just like how he’d wanted to know about me. It felt like my feelings towards him were mutual, and it felt great. The only thing I didn’t like about him was his texting habit, which should’ve rang the warning bells.
Because we don’t live near each other, we’d only get to see each other about twice a month? Maybe less? I guess I wanted to talk to him, text him in between meetups since, y’know, we don’t get to see each other much but he’d disappear for a day or two. Which annoys me to no end. I’d bring this issue up and he’d apologise and then I’d feel fine, making up reasons in my head to justify this for him. It’s ridiculous, looking back, how emotionally invested I was in this guy when all he had was a blatant disregard of my feelings.
But anyway, back to the story. Despite this “issue” of his, we made plans to go on a road trip together and I was so excited about that. But after him cancelling out on me a few times, I grew tired of this and I went on a trip of my own. When I came back, we met and he explained that he’s going through some rough patches with his family. My annoyance towards him melted away and I gave in.
It all came to a point where in February, I told him to settle his problems and issues, and when that’s done if he still wants me back in his life, then he can reach out to me again. He didn’t reply, as per usual, and I went about continuing my life. It was hard at first. But then I recovered and I started to feel whole again.
On my birthday in April, he sent a text using his friend’s number. Messed me up for a day, then I felt okay again. In May, though, that’s when things started to unravel.
Over the Labour Day weekend, he texted me saying how he ran away from home because of his issue with his family yadda yadda. I felt sorry for him, to be honest, coz I thought, Wow, it must be really tough going through a rough situation with your family. He told me how he was sorry and that he should’ve explained to me before he disappeared. He told me how I meant a lot to him and that he didn’t want to enter a serious relationship with me because he was scared this issue might affect me. I could feel my old feelings towards him coming back. We agreed to meet in a few days and I started to get that old feeling of excitement that I’d get at the thought of meeting him.
The night before the meeting, something told me to put on my stalker cap and go on Instagram. And lo and behold, I found a joint account of his girlfriend and him. Pictures of them from 2013 flooded my view and at first, I was so confused, I was trying to deny what I was seeing. I told myself, these are just old pictures of them, they couldn’t be together now… could they? Then I found several pictures of them in Penang and Langkawi taken in February and April this year.
At that moment, everything that I felt for him went out the window. It was replaced by sheer anger. I thought to myself, that motherfucking two-timing bastard. All this time, he’d been cheating on his girlfriend of three years with me. I don’t know about you but to me flirting, kissing, making out, they all count as cheating. I asked him three times before if he’s seeing anyone and he answered no. So when I found out about this, I felt a strong urge to send him a long message filled with profanities but I took a step back and calmed myself down. He didn’t deserve my attention and he sure as hell didn’t deserve my energy to type out a long ass message.
So I just sent him a screenshot of that Instagram account, sent it via WhatsApp and told him not to contact me anymore before blocking his and his dad’s numbers (he used his dad’s number to text me at one point) on WhatsApp and my iPhone (thank God for the number blocking feature on iPhone). Trying to recover from this revelation, I went off the radar on Facebook and Instagram, so that I could recollect and stitch myself up. I went to Bali with my parents, talked it out with my friends, and spent more time focusing on myself.
It has been a month and I feel better than ever. But of course, sometimes I do think of him and the stuff we’ve done together, or pass by a place we’ve been to together, but I don’t feel anything anymore. Do I still like him? No, that went off in an instant. Am I still angry? Only whenever I think about how did it and might still be doing it behind his girlfriend’s back and how she deserves better. Because if it wasn’t me, he’d probably do it to another girl. He’s probably doing it to another girl right now. Who knows? But I’m glad I found out because now I have a solid reason to walk away and never look back.
Do I regret meeting him? Yes, because I wouldn’t have gone through this emotional rollercoaster for 5-7 months. But then again, I don’t regret meeting him because he showed me how nasty and manipulative people can be. And now I have a story to tell, to help others to be more careful and so that they can hopefully avoid emotionally manipulative people like this guy. It could happen to anyone, really. I was just the unlucky one 🙂